Eleven Years

 Wow. Has it really been 11 years? Where has the time gone? So much has happened. I live in Colorado now, have a good job, a home of my own. Rob is gone. He left me in March of 2020 when he took his own life just about the time the Covid pandemic started. But where do I start? so much has happened....

Brian

It's early morning and I'm off work today with a sinus infection. I feel like I am dying. Hopefully the antibiotic will do it's work quickly and I will feel better soon. I've been doing some reflecting back over past years with my sons. I have to ask myself if I've done something wrong over the years to cause them to be the way they are today. And I must answer that with a resounding "NO".

When my oldest son, Brian, was 15 he stole a car from in front of a church on a Sunday (yes, during church services) and with one of his friends he ran off to Memphis. Well, almost. They never made it to Memphis. They were stopped in Paris, Tennessee and caught. The next year was a mess. He continually snuck out at night to drink and party with his buddies. Finally he ran away again. It took us a month to find him this time. He was found, once again, in Paris. This time he looked like he weighed about 100 lbs. soaking wet and was covered with chemical burns. He had been cooking crystal meth. Or at least trying to. I refused to allow him to come home after that and made the state take custody of him. He was just shy of his 17th birthday and I was afraid of my son....and afraid for him. He was sent to the Tennessee Children's Home in Spring Hill. It's actually a wonderful place for child. The boys live in a house with a family and learn to handle responsibility. It is a very structured environment, which is exactly what he needed. When he came home after turning 18 I saw a whole new person. My son was now a man. And I loved him very much. A few weeks later though, he was back in trouble and this time he was in jail. I don't remember the charges, but it was just the beginning. I tried to get him into the military, but they would not have him. He had dropped out of high school and needed a GED. He also had an arrest record now. And he wasn't sure he could pass a drug test. What is a mom to do?? Pleading, crying, and attempting to coerce him did not work. Now he is 24 years old. He has spent the last six years of his life in and out of jail. Right now he is in jail being held without bond for gun possession and beating and strangling his wife in a drugged rage. He also threatened his mother in law with a gun and told her he would kill her and her family. I hope he goes to prison this time. I know that may sound cold and cruel coming from his mother, but in the county jail they have nothing. They get no help for drug or alcohol dependancy or any sort of counseling or psychiatric help. At least in prison he could get those services and more. I love my son very much. The hardest part is knowing (and reminding myself) I have no control over his actions. What he has done is not my fault. It is the drugs and alcohol. I now have to focus on the children. The little ones that I can still have some influence on. I worry that his son, Michael, will have issues as he grows up. He absolutely adores his daddy and seems to have some anger issues related to Brian's not being there. Although I would rather Brian not be around at all than to be there and let Michael see the fighting and the name calling and the drugs being done. Michael will get the counseling he needs. I will make sure of it. It just seems to be a vicious cycle though. Brian had those same anger issues growing up without his father. His father, Mitch, was an alcoholic who was very physically abusive. I left him when Brian was 3 and never looked back. I hope to break this cycle with Michael. I hope that by being active in his upbringing and seeing to it that he gets counseling, maybe it will be different with him. I hope.

Lessons to be Learned...

As I sit here in the quiet of the early morning, I can hear the birds begin to sing outside and see the first sliver of daylight beginning to appear on the horizon. The grandchildren spent the night and I'm up early to get a jump on my day before they awaken. I have been watching a recent episode of 20/20 in which the miners from Chile are being rescued. Hats off to them for being able to survive in that place for 69 days. They must be very strong mentally to be able to stay down there for so long and not have a complete breakdown! I am quite impressed with the way in which the whole situation was handled, from start to finish. The Chilean president stepped up and offered his help when he realised the mining company would never be able to rescue them on their own. They would surely have died down there. Sebastian Pinera not only offered his help to the mining company, but he wasted no time in asking other countries for their help and expertise. Several countries responded by sending the best of the best to help rescue the miners. Kudos to Sebastian Pinera! He is not too proud to ask for help for his people. He was also there for his people when an earthquake struck Chile earlier this year. Within a few hours, he had crews on the streets cleaning up the rubble and beginning the search and rescue for trapped citizens. I think our country could learn a lot from his example. It seems to me that had the miners been trapped in a mine here in our country, it would have been left completely to the mining company to figure out how to get them out. Rather than focusing on a rescue, there would have been a lot of finger pointing and congressional hearings regarding safety, and fines being levied against the company. Let's take a lesson from Mr Pinera, America!

Out Walking....

As some of you may know, I have been walking/jogging for about the last five months. And I have also managed to drop about 50 pounds while doing it (small pat on the back ). I usually go walking in the evenings after work when the sun starts to set and things cool down a little. I really enjoy those evening walks because you never know what you will see or who you might meet.
Tonight I left the house at seven o'clock and headed up the street in my usual fashion. I had almost reached the end of our street when I saw this older woman coming towards me walking with her chihuahua. As I began to walk past her, I noticwe her lips move like she's saying something. I couldn't hear a thing with my headphones on and my IPod playing loudly, so I quickly removed the earphones from my ears and asked, "ma'am?" She said, "It sure is nice to be able to get out, isn't it?"
"Yes," I replied, "the weather is beautiful " as I proceeded to walk past her. She stopped me though. I don't know why, but she wanted to chat with me. I did not know her, had never seen her before. I walked past her house everyday though. She wanted to talk, so I decided to be polite to the old gal and let her talk. I was certainly not in any hurry.
She began by telling me about her daughter and son-in-law. She is a teacher, although I'm not sure where. Their children have grown and now they want to adopt a seven year old girl who had been through several foster homes. The old woman began clucking her tongue and saying she didn't approve of it. That's when I knew why I was there. Adoption is an issue close to my heart. I very politely explained to the woman that adoption should not be frowned on. I explained how it could be good for the child and the parents. I also told her that I felt this poor girl only needed a stable place to call home and someone to love. She needs to know what a real family feels like. After about 20 minutes of such discussion, the mosquitoes were biting and I was ready to leave.
She thanked me before I left. Told me how nice it was to meet me and how much she had enjoyed our conversation. She welcomed me to come back another day. I felt as though I had accomplished something very important, and I truely hope I have. I hope she will welcome the girl with open arms, and remember our conversation. And I hope that someday soon, our paths will cross again.

A Happy Reunion!

Since joining Facebook, I have had the oppportunity to reconnect with many of my classmates from high school. Although it's been 26 years since graduation, many of them still look the same to me. The picture on the left is a picture of me with two of my best friends from high school. Lisa is on the left and Theresa on the right. We were like the three musketeers back then. Theresa's mom, Pixie, was mom to all of us. Over the fourth of July weekend, I was fortunate enough to be able to drive to Mishawaka with my husband and reunite with old friends. Friends I haven't seen in over 20 years. It was very exciting for me to see them! We hugged, held each other and cried! Talking about things we did back then was a trip back in time for me. I was also able to see some folks who had been friends of my parents. As I was leaving, I was told that I look just like my mom used to. I cried like a baby. Hearing that meant a lot to me. Since reconnecting these people, I hope I will now see more of them. They are an important part of who I am today....and I dearly love them all.

Memorial Day

As we think about Memorial Day and what it means to us, I want to remember not only the soldiers who serve our country, or the soldiers who went before them, but also the families of those soldiers. The mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and children of these soldiers. They give up so much every day. The child growing up without mom or dad because they are away at a war they don't understand in some foreign country. Or the parents, answering that knock at the door, only to be told their son or daughter won't be coming home. And what about the husbands and wives of these soldiers? They raise their children the best they can, hoping their spouses return home safely, and praying each day. They are as brave the soldiers they love, because they believe. They believe in this country and everything it stands for. And so should we.

Welcome Olivia Cate!!!

I hope you join me in welcoming the newest member of our family....Olivia Cate, my granddaughter, was born on Thursday, March 11th. Michael now has a little sister. And I have a little girl to spoil! I will see to it that neither she or Michael ever want for anything. As I grow older I realise that there is nothing more important than our families, and I think my son is beginning to come to the same realization.

Christmas memories...

Well, Christmas has come and gone once again. This year was nice, but my heart just wasn't in it. Our daughter-in-law Kailey came over and brought Michael with her. It was nice to watch him open his presents, and it reminded me of earlier times when the boys were young. I can remember our first Christmas in Tennessee. The boys were one and three years old. I had just left my ex-husband 6 months before. We were very poor and lived in the projects in Huntingdon, Tn. I had a minimum wage job that payed $4.25 per hour and my check was usually gone after paying daycare, a bill or two, and a few groceries. I didn't have any money for Christmas that year, so I put their names on the angel tree that the Dept. of Human Services sponsored each year. Two days before Christmas the gifts were delivered to our apartment. I quickly hid them away so the boys wouldn't see them. I wondered though, what to do about them? I didn't have a Christmas tree to put them under, so I thought I might pile them up by the door and tell the boys that Santa left them on the porch because we didn't have a chimney (ha!). It was Christmas eve and I had just put the boys to bed when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door to find a live Christmas tree laying on my front porch and a big cardboard box next to it. I managed to drag the tree into the house. Next came the box. It was filled with everything needed to trim that tree......and I was so grateful for it, I cried as I put it up. The next morning the boys were shocked! They couldn't believe Santa brought them presents AND a Christmas tree! They danced gleefully around it, anxious to open their gifts. There was no disappointment in their eyes that morning as they opened their gifts......they were happy with each and everything they received, no matter how small. By the end of the day they were worn out, and Robert had fallen asleep next to the Christmas tree.
Michael didn't quite fall asleep on us, but he was worn out by the end of the day. I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did.

Christmas is Coming!

Well, Christmas is coming...and very quickly too! This year we will set up the Christmas tree, light it up with all the pretty lights and decorations, then think of all the families out there who will have no Christmas this year. The economy has hit all of us very hard, so maybe it's time we started giving of ourselves and the gifts we each possess rather than material things. Our tree may not be filled with lots of prettily wrapped presents this year, but we will still have many gifts, the gift of love being the most important one.

Update

Okay. I have sort of been neglecting this blog lately. But I have a reason, well.....sort of. I have discovered Facebook. I remember when Facebook membership was limited mostly to college students. Everyone loved Myspace. Well now, Myspace is old news and adults have gravitated away from it to Facebook. I was a little leery of signing up for it - thinking that it would be Myspace all over again, but it's not. I have been contacted by folks I went to school with. People I grew up with during the 70's and haven't seen or spoke to since at least 1985. I love it! I love catching up on everyone and seeing the pics they post of their children and grandchildren. I even found some cousins in other states, one of which I haven't seen in 21 years. I'm hoping to see him at Thanksgiving this year when we go to Ohio. Maybe, maybe.