A Rainy Day

I'm up early this morning as usual and it's raining so hard the dogs won't even go out to pee. I don't blame them! We need this life-giving rain so badly that I'm not complaining about it. Besides, I can always go back to bed if I want to. I went to the doctor yesterday. He pulled my drain out (hooray!) and said he was very happy with the way everything looked. I did not even have to make another follow up appointment. He's leaving today for Nigeria on a medical mission trip with another doctor in his practice. I know they will do great things while they are there and wish I could go with them. I would love to participate in something like that! Going on a medical mission has always been my dream, but the funds are just never available. Maybe someday. For right now though, I think I'm going to attempt to find a traveling nurse position in California. My husband is looking at a possible layoff this winter, so we thought we might just pack up and go. If I can find a 13 week assignment out there, he can go with me, and all our housing and utilities will be paid for. There's a lot of things to do and see out there, so it would be like an extended vacation of sorts. I love San Francisco and the Napa valley, so maybe something close to that area. Thus the picture of the Golden Gate bridge below. This is a picture I took several years ago when I was visiting my brother. If I had my way we just move to that area, but I cannot pull myself or my husband away from our family for such a permanent thing as that.

Peace

I chose the picture above because it represents how I'm feeling. Very serene and peaceful. I am finally at peace with myself and those around me. I am healing well and have no pain. This drain is more of a nusance than anything. I decided yesterday to clean out our bedroom closet. A daunting task, as we have only God knows what piled up in there. The Amvets are having a clothing drive tomorrow, so I started by pulling out all of our old clothes, folding them, and bagging them up to give away. Then I pulled out my mother's old jewelry box. It had been a few years since I had seen what was in there, so I sat on the edge of the bed and opened it. I could not believe what I saw. Pinned to the inside of the lid was several butterfly pins. I guess I had forgotten them over the years. Apparently my mom had a fascination with butterflies too. I gently closed the lid and looked no further. I didn't need to see what else was in there....the butterfies were enough for me. They gave me a peace I haven't felt in quite some time. I have more work to do in our closet today and I am sure I will encounter more treasures such as these.
Robert came to see me day before yesterday. He and Vanessa are happy and that is all I can ask for. I am hoping I will be invited to see my grandson this weekend, but if not, well that's OK too. All things will come in their own time. I don't stress anymore about things I cannot control. It expends too much energy and usually is not worth worrying about anyway. Besides, I have learned that I can find the answers I need by simply taking the time to look inside myself and have peace with myself. I am at peace.

The Morning After

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. It was also surgery day. I think it's ironic that my first surgery was on my birthday and this one was on his. Needless to say, everything went well. Dr Sinard is so confidant that we won't have any complications this time, that I don't even have to see him until the end of next week. I do, however, have to wear a drain for several weeks. That will be more annoying than anything else. But I feel good this morning. No pain at the moment....actually I haven't had any since yesterday. Except for a sore throat from being intubated. Guess I'll save those pain pills for later! My nurse Lynn was fantastic! I can't say enough good about her. Dr Sinard was fantastic too! He even remembered it was my husband's birthday and wished him a happy one. I think the world of this doctor, and I wish there were more like him out there. He is not only a great doctor, but a very nice person too. If you ever need a good ENT surgeon, he's the one to see.

"The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart. " ~Nikolai Lenin

Time Off

After much soul searching and deep discussions with my wonderful husband, I have decided to take some time off work after surgery. I need some time to regroup and do some thinking about my career, my life, and where I'm going next. I was quite shell-shocked yesterday with Hayden's birth and Vanessa's mom treating me the way she did. I have never been escorted out of a patient's room by security.....especially since I did nothing wrong.....I only wanted to see and meet the one person I waited 9 months to meet...my grandson. The day only went further downhill when I was reprimanded by my manager after complaints by Vanessa's family. I wish I understood why. But I suppose it is not for me to know why. The butterflies were right. The changes they warned me of are now coming to pass, and I am seriously considering a travel job to get me away from things for awhile. After discussions about this with my husband, he has agreed he can take a layoff from his job and go with me wherever I am assigned to go. We shall see about this. One day at a time.......let's get through surgery first and then see what new adventure awaits.

It's Raining

It is with great sorrow and a heavy heart that I write this blog. My grandson Hayden, whose birth I have eagerly anticipated, has been taken from me. Vanessa and her parents delivered him at Vanderbilt on Wednesday, October 9th at 7:14 pm, without my son's knowledge or mine. For some strange unknown reason, a security alert has been placed on her, and all visitors will be escorted out by security. I know. I was escorted out this morning when I attempted to see her. I was screamed at by her mother and not allowed to see Hayden. Now, I know this girl is young (19), but she acts like she doesn't have a voice and lets her parents control and dictate her life, even though she lives with my son and he works two jobs to support her so she can stay home. Can someone please explain this to me? I want to hold my grandson and be free to love him, but I can't. I feel as though a part of me has been ripped to shreds. All I can see is the rain.
And there is more on the horizon. On Monday I will be taken back into surgery to remove the alloderm in my face. It is once again infected and it hurts. We will remove it, irrigate the area, insert a drain, and close it up. Apparently only one in thirty people who have parotidectomies have this problem. I am rejecting the alloderm and as a result my body is actually causing the infection. Leave it to me. Let the rain fall.