It's early morning and I'm off work today with a sinus infection. I feel like I am dying. Hopefully the antibiotic will do it's work quickly and I will feel better soon. I've been doing some reflecting back over past years with my sons. I have to ask myself if I've done something wrong over the years to cause them to be the way they are today. And I must answer that with a resounding "NO".
When my oldest son, Brian, was 15 he stole a car from in front of a church on a Sunday (yes, during church services) and with one of his friends he ran off to Memphis. Well, almost. They never made it to Memphis. They were stopped in Paris, Tennessee and caught. The next year was a mess. He continually snuck out at night to drink and party with his buddies. Finally he ran away again. It took us a month to find him this time. He was found, once again, in Paris. This time he looked like he weighed about 100 lbs. soaking wet and was covered with chemical burns. He had been cooking crystal meth. Or at least trying to. I refused to allow him to come home after that and made the state take custody of him. He was just shy of his 17th birthday and I was afraid of my son....and afraid for him. He was sent to the Tennessee Children's Home in Spring Hill. It's actually a wonderful place for child. The boys live in a house with a family and learn to handle responsibility. It is a very structured environment, which is exactly what he needed. When he came home after turning 18 I saw a whole new person. My son was now a man. And I loved him very much. A few weeks later though, he was back in trouble and this time he was in jail. I don't remember the charges, but it was just the beginning. I tried to get him into the military, but they would not have him. He had dropped out of high school and needed a GED. He also had an arrest record now. And he wasn't sure he could pass a drug test. What is a mom to do?? Pleading, crying, and attempting to coerce him did not work. Now he is 24 years old. He has spent the last six years of his life in and out of jail. Right now he is in jail being held without bond for gun possession and beating and strangling his wife in a drugged rage. He also threatened his mother in law with a gun and told her he would kill her and her family. I hope he goes to prison this time. I know that may sound cold and cruel coming from his mother, but in the county jail they have nothing. They get no help for drug or alcohol dependancy or any sort of counseling or psychiatric help. At least in prison he could get those services and more. I love my son very much. The hardest part is knowing (and reminding myself) I have no control over his actions. What he has done is not my fault. It is the drugs and alcohol. I now have to focus on the children. The little ones that I can still have some influence on. I worry that his son, Michael, will have issues as he grows up. He absolutely adores his daddy and seems to have some anger issues related to Brian's not being there. Although I would rather Brian not be around at all than to be there and let Michael see the fighting and the name calling and the drugs being done. Michael will get the counseling he needs. I will make sure of it. It just seems to be a vicious cycle though. Brian had those same anger issues growing up without his father. His father, Mitch, was an alcoholic who was very physically abusive. I left him when Brian was 3 and never looked back. I hope to break this cycle with Michael. I hope that by being active in his upbringing and seeing to it that he gets counseling, maybe it will be different with him. I hope.
